#21

Hello :] I didn't think I would make a post today but it's 1am-ish at night and I don't really feel sleepy and I just watched a movie, 'Easy A' and watched a few episodes of New Girl so I really don't want to watch any more stuff... nor can I call anyone cuz my little sister is sleeping in the same room and I don't want to wake her up. And after a long long time, all I wanted to do was write. Again, I don't know what I want to write but I'm just going with the flow. :)

I'm literally typing with shaky hands right. It's a bit of a weird mood. The kind of moment when I felt like deactivating my facebook account (done that a dozen times) just cuz I felt like. I know it's kind of selfish, all my stalkers are going to miss me. But hey! I'm here too. ;) haha sorry, I'm bad at cracking jokes.

Yesterday, I was feeling terribly scared. And I know you think I should be fearless cuz I'm the girl with the fearless tattoo, but guess what, being fearless isn't what you think. I love Taylor Swift and I really love her concept of fearless. Here it goes:  

"To me, Fearless is not the absense of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death."

And I believe all of that. But I got off the topic. Sorry. So I was saying, I was scared. About my future. I was scared, wondering if I will get a good job. I was scared cuz I'm not sure the people at my job are going to be nice. I was scared about growing old. Actually I am all the time. I was scared about not having my dream body, or dream house, or whatever I've dreamt of. I was scared of people I love and care about, dying. Damn, how I wish they never die. I was scared about not being able to go globe trotting. I was scared not being able to inspire many many people. Not being good enough. Not being able to close my eyes without seeing my subway surf character not bumping into subways. (I did overcome that fear tho). There are so so many things I was scared of. If you think of it, it's always in the back of my head. No matter how many quotes I read and try to be optimistic and happy there are always going to be such moments when I'm going to be scared and doubt everything. I really hope I'm not the only one with such moments. In a way it's good maybe, these moments are like reality checks. And for a while you can be scared and cry about it but soon you have to make a choice... whether you want to stay in your own cocoon or get out and be the beautiful butterfly you were born to be. No matter how many such moments I go through, I always let go of the negative thoughts. And I'm really proud of myself. 

There are too many things I want in life and too many things I want to do... but as Billy Joel rightfully says, "You can't be everything you want to be before your time." I always listen to this song when I feel this way. It's a beautiful song and never fails to make me feel better. You should listen to it, here. :)

And I feel so much better after writing this! Goodnight everyone and have a nice Thursdayyy. :]